Joke [sent in by Ghirl 1967 by email on 21/11/02]

Question: How many huns does it take to tile a roof?
Answer: Depends how thinly you slice them.

Joke [sent in by Jd1967 by email on 21/11/02]

Bert Konterman walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Konterman "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Konterman . The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker....".

Joke [sent in by Jo from Australia by email on 16/10/02]

There was a Rangers fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he saw a local man in his smal boat, fishing. The Rangers fan asked "Are there any sharks in there?" The local replied "No sharks in here." The Rangers fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear. Once he got into the water he asked the local "Aren't you going to jump in? It's nice in here." The local told him "No, there's too many crocodiles".

Joke [sent in by Telf 14 by email on 04/10/02]

Question: What's the difference between Rangers and a teabag?
Answer: A teabag can stay in the cup longer!

Joke [sent in by Jim the Tim by email on 04/10/02]

A good looking young celt is in a night club chats up a young lady. He gets close to her and asks her name, my name is Carmen she replies. Thats a lovely name our cool young tim replies. Yes she says it means I like cars and men. She asks the young celt what his name is. He replies "Beerfanny"!

Joke [sent in by Minchkin Muncher by email on 04/10/02]

Question: What is the difference between Rangers and a bucket of shite?
Answer: The bucket!

Joke From Sean by email - 04/10/02]

A time traveller lands on the Shankhill Road in Belfast and goes straight into a pub for a refreshment. He is met with open arms by the locals and soon they are swapping anecdotes and swigging away merrily.
"Tell me" says one wag. "If you're a time traveller, who wins the SPL in the year 2010 ?"
"Celtic !" replies the time lord to a massive groan.
"Who wins our own league in the same year then ?" queries the bar fly at the end of the counter.
"Cliftonville !" comes the retort to another massive groan.
"Right mister smart ar*e time machine man" says the disgruntled landlord. "If you're so clever tell us how much it costs for a pint of beer in Belfast in the year 2010 ?"
"That's easy !" says the time traveller. "TEN PUNTS !!".

Joke From Sean by email - 04/10/02]

Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".

Joke From Big Doug from Hillington by email - 28/09/02]

Question: What do you call a double decker bus with with ten Rangers fans driving over the edge of a cliff??
Answer: A waste of space as you can get loads more in.

Joke From Dave by email - 26/09/02]

A Rangers fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic man'. ok says the Rangers fan how about the Rangers winning the champions league?. to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'

Joke From Heather 1888 by email - 23/09/02]

Question: What's the difference between a female hun, and a pitbull?

Answer: Lipstick.

Joke [Jim the Tim email - 12/09/02]

Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches st peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are noton the list.
Billy asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.
Billy racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surpised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Billy yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Billy is delighted that his good work has been recognisedand says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now fuck off ya orange bastard!

Joke [jon_bhoy 29/08/02]

Q: What have Rangers got in common with a three pin plug?
A: Both are useless in Europe! ha ha!!!

Joke [Celtic Ghirl 29/08/02]

A reporter for the Daily Record is walking through the park where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without thinking the second boy beats the dog to death with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking the reporter writes "brave Rangers fan saves his friends life", but the boy tells him that he's NOT a Ger. So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan saves friends life" So when the boy says he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter asks who he does support, and when the young kid says Celtic, the reporter changes the headline to "fenian bastard murders family pet".

Joke [Glasgow Tim 21/08/02]

Q. What's the difference between a sperm and a Rangers supporter??
A. A sperm has a chance of becoming a human being.

Joke [Jimmy Powers from the States 21/08/02]

The Pope, The Queen, and The President Of The United States are in Glasgow for a conference. On the ride to the conference their motorcade passes thousands of people who've lined the streets. The three starts discussing who's the most popular.

The Prez claims he can just wave both his arms back and forth and get a huge response. He leans out the window and starts waving them like mad. The crowd cheers. The Queen, not to be upstaged, claims she can get an even bigger response with less effort. She gives the crowd her little royal wave and gets louder cheers than the Prez did.

The Pope, who's been mostly quiet this whole time, claims he can get the bigger response with the least effort. He reaches under robes, pulls out a Celtic scarf, and hangs it out the window. Naturally, the crowds goes bonkers.

Joke [sent in by Patrick on 11/08/02]

What have Ibrox and The Moon got in common? They both have no atmosphere...

Joke [sent in by Dukiebhoy on 06/08/02]

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".

Joke [sent in by Ian Cumming on 30/07/02]

Two Rangers fans with a dog are sitting at the bar when in walks a man straight over to the Dog and lifts its tail up, he takes a long look and then orders a drink a sits at a table. Stunned the two huns look to each other in Disbelief, did that just happen? A short while later another man enters and walks over to the Dog lifts its tail has a good look and then buys a drink and sits down. The puzzled huns vow if this happens again they will ask the next man whats going on. They dont have to wait long, as the man approaches they wait until he lifts the dogs tail and one pipes up "Here you whats the crack wi ma dog big man?" he asks. "Oh nothing mate its just theres a Celtic fan out there who says theres a Dog in here wi two arseholes".

Joke [sent in by ghirl 1967 on 27/07/02]

Lubo dies and goes to heaven (of course), when he gets there he is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. He said to Lubo, "thank ghod you've arrived, we need you to make up our football team" Lubo take a look about and he sees Charlie Nicholas, Jinky Johnstone, Bobby Murdoch, Paul McStay and other great Celtic players. He then spots a guy running about with the hoops on, no 7 on his back and dreadlocks hanging from his head, Lubo turns to St. Peter and says " I didn't know henrik Larsson was dead" St. Peter said " he's not, that's Ghod, he just thinks he's Henrik Larsson.

Joke [sent in by Bad Bhoy on 20/07/02]

Before the world cup, a primary school teacher asks her pupils if they want to see England win it. The full class put their hands up except for one girl who says she wants Sweden, Argentina or Nigeria to win. Amazed the teacher asks why, "Well miss my mum and dad are Scottish so I'm a Scottish fan too." So the teacher replys "You don't have to be a Scotland fan because you're parents are, if your mum was a prostitute and dad was a junkie that stole and beat up innocent people you wouldn't be like that"
"No miss" the girl says "that would make me a Rangers fan".

Joke [sent in by Reilly from Whiteinch on 30/05/02]

A new Red White and Blue Oxo cube is about to be launched in the shops, It'll be called "laughing stock".

Joke [sent in by Jenky from Drumchapel on 28/05/02]

A father takes his young son to the zoo where they are fascinated by the lions. "Daddy, Daddy, why is that lion licking his bum?" asks the wee boy.
"Son, that's because he has just eaten a Rangers fan and is trying to get rid of the taste" 

Joke [sent in by John from Hyndland on 25/05/02]

A shabby looking young man wearing a Rangers shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No."  replied the Hun
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Hun
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Parkhead to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the Tims decked in full Rangers gear."
"My, that is brave!.  When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago..."

Joke [sent in by Pat from Manchester on 14/05/02]

Alex McLeish died and went to heaven. God showed him to his new dwelling and it was a rundown shack with with an old tattered Union Jack hanging over the front door. McLeish wasn't too happy with this at all. He looked off into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion with a massive Celtic Flag hanging over the doorway. McLeish thinks to himself, "Martin O'Neill must have died too" and so he says to God, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but how come Martin gets that gorgeous mansion for a home and all I get is this rundown shack?"
God replied, "That's not Martins home, that's mine!."

Joke [sent in by Beed from Finnieston on 8/05/02]

Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed to be the most devoted of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher they argued as to which one of them was the most devoted of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top the Hearts fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Hearts!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Hibs fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Hibs!"
Seeing this, the Celtic fan walked over and shouted "This is for the Tims!" and pushed the Rangers fan off the mountain.

Joke [sent in by Derek from Kirkintilloch on 6/05/02]

Billy the Hun was walking his dog one day, when he spots an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it.
Suddenly, a genie appears and says "I am the cut price genie. I grant but one wish"
Billy thinks for a while and then says "Make my dog, 'Advocaat'  win Crufts"
The genie looks at Advocaat and says "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy and bald, its got fleas, its got a bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a fucking miracle worker"
"Alright then", says Billy " Make Rangers win the League this year"
The genie stops for a moment, then says "Lets have another look at that dog again?"

Joke [sent in by Stephen from Partick on 27/04/02]

Alex McLeish will do anything for three points!!! ... he was caught for speeding on his way to Ibrox today.

Joke [sent in by David C from East Kilbride on 28/04/02]

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the Clyde on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "Rangers have lost again."
The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

Joke [sent in by John H from Knightswood on 24/03/02]

Rumour has it that Rangers have a new team sponsor:- Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

Joke [sent in by Callum Angus from Stornoway on 23/03/02]

After yet another gubbing at the hands of Celtic the 'Gers scouts are ordered to scour the country for a new defender to plug up their leaky defence. At last, a good prospect was identified. He was asked to come to Ibrox for a trial and did well enough to impress the management. The youth was a lifelong 'Gers fan and was overjoyed at the thought of joining the Club.
The only remaining obstacle was the medical examination. The club doctor put the lad through all the tests and could find nothing to fault the boy as he was in peak physical condition. It was only during a closer physical examination that the doctor detected that the youth was circumcised.
"I'm sorry, son," he told the boy, "But I'm afraid I can't recommend the manager to take you on."
The lad was dumbfounded.
"How naw'?" he cried.
"Well," said the doctor, "Everybody knows you've got to be a complete dick to play for Rangers."

Joke [sent in by Graeme from Kent on 19/03/02]

Q: How many Rangers fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

Joke [sent in by Fraser from Perth on 12/03/02]

Q: How many Huns does it take to tile a roof? 
A: It depends on how thinly you slice them.

Joke [sent in by Joanne from Easterhouse on 02/03/02]

Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Partick Thistle hat over one breast. The second guy, a Celtic fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Rangers fan placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Partick Thistle hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Celtic hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Rangers hat, put it down, then picked it up again again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Rangers fan was a bit irritated and he asked,"Why do you keep picking up my hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile,"Son, I can't figure this one out. The only time I've come across these Rangers hats before, there was an arsehole under it."

Joke [sent in by David F from Kilmacolm on 27/02/02]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making."  Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one with blacks in the south." And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh, that's Parkhead. Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere, and an exquisite team to grace it. These people here are going to be of great intelligence and they're going to be found exploring the seven seas. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them great teams who can play quality football, which they're going to worship and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch. I will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock Stein, Jinky Johnstone, Tommy Burns, Paul McStay, Wim Jansen and James McGrory and these men amongst men will lift this club to unlimited glories, and they shall be touched by my hand." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, balance, what about balance? You said there was going to be a balance..."  God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the plonkers I'm putting next door to them."